The Archie/Sonic split, as told by T.W.

[Lynchenberg]

ARCHIE:
I did naht quit him, is naht true, is bullsheet, I did not quit him, I did NAHT!
(looks up)
Oh, hai IDW.

IDW:
Oh, hey Archie, what's up?

ARCHIE:
I have problem wif Sonic: he says thet I quit him.

IDW:
(laughs, in disbelief)
What? Well, did you?

ARCHIE:
(not making eye-contact with IDW)
No, is not true. Don't even ask.
(looks directly at IDW)
Whass new wit'chu?

IDW:
Well, I'm just sitting up here thinking, y'know. Hey, I got a question for you.

ARCHIE:
Yah?

IDW:
You think fictional characters like to cheat the way comic publishers do?

ARCHIE:
(rolls head back)
Wha' make you say thet?

IDW:
(gets up,
walks away, back facing Archie)
I dunno. I'm just, I was just, just thinking.

ARCHIE:
(remains seated, casual)
I dun have to worry 'bout thet 'cause my Sonic is loyal to me.

IDW:
Yeah man, you never know. I used to know a goofy-looking, yet subconsciously arousing cartoon villain henchman from a 1990s video game promotion. Had a long, phallic nose and a head shaped like a single testicle, with three hairs sticking outta it. This married woman got obsessed with him; took 'im so seriously, she screwed her kid up for life. Now they both belong in a psychiatric hospital on Guerrero Street.

ARCHIE:
(disturbingly undisturbed,
laughs at tragicomic ridiculousness of situation)
Hah, hah, hah. What a story, IDW.

IDW:
Yeah, you can say that again.

ARCHIE:
(gets up, puts hand to IDW's shoulder)
I am so glad I have you for my best friend, and I love Sonic so much.

IDW:
Yeah man, you are very lucky.

ARCHIE:
Well, maybe you should have a licensed franchise, IDW.

IDW:
(walks away, guilty)
Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I have one already. I dunno yet.
(visibly cringes at his dialogue)

ARCHIE:
What happened? Remember Karate Turtles and Friendship Ponies, thet their name?

IDW:
(walks away, guilty)
Yeah, we don't see each other anymore. I mean, they made me lots of money, but we had too many arguments.

ARCHIE:
Thess too bad; my Sonic even does deviantART porn when he can get it.

IDW:
(sits down)
Aw man, I just can't figure that site out. Sometimes it's just too disturbing; sometimes it's flat-out stupid; other times it's just a place for mentally ill people to encourage each other's unhealthy lifestyle choices.

ARCHIE:
(walks up to IDW, arms raised,
sits down)
It seems to me like you're the EX-bert, IDW!

IDW:
(chortles unconvincingly)
No, definitely not an expert, Archie.

ARCHIE:
(rolls back head again)
Whass bothering you, IDW?

IDW:
(pauses, gets up, walks away)
Nothing, man.

ARCHIE:
(gets up, puts hand to IDW's shoulder)
Do you, do you have some secrets?

IDW:
(shakes Archie off)
No, forget it, man!

ARCHIE:
(speaking over IDW)
Why don't you talk to me, is there some secrets from me?

IDW:
(walking OFF-SCREEN)
I'll talk to you later! Bye.

ARCHIE:
(tosses a football)
Well, whatever.